One year Later...

This is a hard post, but one that I needed to write because God has been so very very faithful to us...
It is hard to believe, but a year ago this week I sat in Duke Hospital with a 2yr old child that I hardly even knew. She had been home for 48 hours when we were told that our "healthy" little girl needed an MRI and that she possibly had spina bifida. The MRI confirmed that ,while she did have SB, it was a benign form of it. Normally people with this form, Occulta, have no signs or symptoms and just carry on a normal life. However, the MRI also confirmed that Kate had a tethered spinal cord and that surgery was in her very near future. For the record, we were not against adopting a SN child at all. But a SN that we were prepared for, one that we had researched and felt comfortable that we could "handle". For any who know me well enough, health issues always pose the biggest storms. And this storm was huge and raging. After all, I hardly even knew this child and she was really asking me to handle a lot. I experienced a lack of emotion. I held Kate at arms length. I was terrified to love her because she now represented despair and unknowns. We had to prepare to be at the hospital for a week with her and I had no idea how we would manage that since Randy's job was out of town and we have 3 other children. The whole idea of being in the hospital made me want to throw up. It was a tough tough time. Neither Kate nor Olivia experienced bonding issues with us when we brought them home ,so I don't know what that is like. I am sure it is awful. But I can testify to how gut wrenching it is to bring a child home, a child you have fought for over months and years, and to then feel numb toward that child. I pretty much cried for the entire 6 weeks preceeding the surgery.
So... the surgery was successful and Kate did very well and all the hospital stuff came and went. Praise our God for that! Now I am back home with Kate and trying to pick up some of the pieces, all the while crying out to God to change my heart and give me the eyes to see the little girl that God saw. I don't know exactly when or how it started, but I do remember that HOPE did tiptoe back into my heart and mind, little by little. I started to relax. I started to see a new normal. There were still unknowns but God was granting me the courage for such a time as this. Then along came a blog and a woman that had adopted 10 children , many that had special needs too. It just so happened that she had just returned home with a Katie of her own who needed very serious heart surgery. On the same trip to China she returned with another daughter who was facing a foot amputation. Wow. Then along came another blog and another woman that was attempting to adopt a little 4 yr old girl with DS and a heart condition. Wow. I did not know of anyone who had SOUGHT OUT such critical SN children to adopt. It was a whole new way of thinking for me. All the while , I had numerous friends praying for me and my adjustment with Kate, numerous friends visiting, encouraging and talking with me, numerous friends drugging me with Starbucks coffee, and lifting me before the throne of God. It was all heaven sent and God ordained. I poured over the adoption blogs and various other ones that were recommended and I continued to cry out to God. I gleaned from these women and from my friends and family. And I read the Psalms (again).
The next thing I really remember standing out in my mind was the morning that I had actual excitement in my heart at the thought of Kate waking up. Previously, I just wanted her to go to bed early and sleep late in the morning.
And.... love.....it just grew from there.
I came face to face with my selfishness and my striving and clamouring to keep my life within my comfort zone.( God HATES our comfort zones; I am convinced of it.) How can we accomplish ANYTHING for Him if our comfort is first and foremost in our minds??? He put me in exactly the circumstances that I needed to be in to see my heart for what it had been. I was feverishly pulling my hand away, but he held on tight to me. He brought Kate through beautifully. I don't think she ever even sensed that I was over the edge. A year later Kate is a healthy and wonderful child and I am HER MOTHER.There are still trying days, but I would not change anything. If she has any setbacks in her future, I will walk down that path with her and count it as an opportunity to suffer for Christ. I would not exchange the spiritual growth and insight for all the comfort in the world. I am so thankful for God's faithfulness and for the Christian sisters that I have at arms reach and within the blog world. You gals are amazing! What a difference a year makes....